*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!