I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When you kidnap a writer.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.