Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ok hear me out: Luigiana
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv