We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.