They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.