I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Worst bar ever.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭