If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Love is always patient and kind.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!