I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
You Might Also Like
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR