*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”