[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.