“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing