My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Your honor these allegations are
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.