The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Breaking news:
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit