My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood