Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’M CRYINGGG
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.