“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
#CoronaOutbreak
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Jupiter