I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
for all #parents out there
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Merica.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you