If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds