my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Born to be mild.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle