casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You Might Also Like
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL