My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.