I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling