me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie