[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
You Might Also Like
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section