If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN