I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
welp
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
🍞🦆
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.