Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*