HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Some people were born into their job.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*