Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]