fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream