me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The biggest mystery of our time
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Extremely relatable.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for