So that’s what we looked like?
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Autocarrot sucks!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo