Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
They did not think through this water fountain
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth