I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.