People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.