My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”