My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.