I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend