Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!