Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Who called it baking and not making love
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Hell yeah 👍
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.