I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!