In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
S M O L
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Bartenders are just boneless bars
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Damn he played himself
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.