I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.