I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I feel seen.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.