NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it