Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.