Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?