Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.