Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
BRAKING NEWS!!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
This makes total sense…