How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that